I won’t tell you how many partial posts are sitting in my “Drafts” box. Things I’ve started to say, things I’ve wanted to say, things I’ve tried to say, but things that have ended up lacking any kind of form. Words are still having a hard time finding form for me these days. It’s getting better, but I still struggle with them. I’m using fewer words these days, out loud and even internally. I’ve definitely spent a whole lot more time listening than speaking over these past 3 months. Listening to the Lord, obviously, listening to my kids, listening to music, listening to the wisdom of family and friends…
And a whole lot of listening to myself.
After some pretty rough moments in those first weeks after Corey died, I decided that I needed to be kind to myself. Kind. Kind like I would be to someone I love if they were walking this road. Kind, and gentle – two things I’ve not always been with myself but am working on.
As I’ve been listening, the Lord has been speaking. Sometimes our conversations are wordless, which I can’t really explain, and sometimes there are more solidly formed thoughts and ideas about what life looks like going forward – because living on “PAUSE” is just not an option. For now, these things are mostly just for me. The Lord may lay it on my heart to share some of them at some point, but for now I’m holding close the things He’s been showing me. They’re new things, as life is new now, and if you’ve followed this blog for any amount of time, you know I’m a processor. And there’s a whole lot of processing of all the new in my life.
I was on a walk with a friend last night when she mentioned that today was already August 1. Hard to believe, but today marks 5 years since we moved to Washington from California. Boy, what a different new I’m living now than I thought I’d be living when we set out on this “adventure” that morning five years ago. I told her it seemed like 5 decades and 5 minutes – all at the same time.
My parents were up last week and took the kids back to California with them for their annual summer visit, which means it’s been pretty quiet around here. Another new. But you know what? I’m OK. All the quiet just means more listening. There’s a peace that’s settled deep into my soul that I can’t explain. A peace that comes from a whole lot of listening to the quiet, gentle promises God’s Spirit has been speaking to me these past months.
I want this next season of my life to be marked by more listening, by more peace. My steps are slow and deliberate these days, but they are steps forward so I’ll take them. I’ll take tentative forward progress over getting stuck in a rut any day. I don’t know how often I’ll post in the coming months, I guess when I feel I have something to say or when my words start finding form again. In truth, I’d rather say nothing at all than ramble on and fill the page with formless nonsense.
I was going to say that my life seems to be in “Draft” mode, kind of like all those partially-written posts I’ve started and not finished, but I don’t think that’s true. I think my life, my story, is being written in a new dialect that I’m slowly coming to understand, bit by bit, word by word. And that understanding comes only with listening. So listen I will.
I’ve come to understand that the pen is not mine but I can affect the way it glides across the pages of my life – and when it’s all said and done, I want this story to be a beautifully written one.